I think I sunk to an all new low today. I’m spending my afternoon and evening at Starbucks in an effort to actually study for a change. But while studying is on the agenda, a large portion of my afternoon has passed by in daydreaming and watching people around me. They all seem soo content with their lives. But more importantly, they all have someone. Short, fat, tall, ugly, skinny and they all have someone. I can’t help but wonder- why not me? I am overweight but I see the way men ogle at my chest and my face so I can’t be entirely unattractive. I’m educated, cultured and well read. Then why am I the one sitting alone in Starbucks? I look at couples and I hate them, hate what they have with each other. I’m jealous of their affection and love for each other. Why can’t I have it? All I keep thinking is when will I find my man? Where will I find him? Will he love me? Are my expectations too high?
Today I felt like the Lady in the portrait that Leonardo DiCaprio drew in Titanic, the one who wears all her jewels and sits in a pub hoping and waiting that her lover comes back. I had this weird longing today like I wished that someone would just come and sit opposite me and we would find a connection. I know it’s stupid to expect something like that especially in a country where all anyone wants are hookups, one night stands and no strings attached sex. Men are just assholes here. Twice I’ve been approached by married men. I mean geez atleast try and hide that you’re married. Do I look like the kind of girl who wants to have an affair? I know that’s another gazzilion questions… But sometimes it’s nice to just ask. If any of you have any answers please feel free to send them to me.
I do a lot of thinking. That’s an understatement! I do way too much thinking for my own good. Today I was thinking about my future, how unsettling it is not to know what I’m going to be doing or where I’m going to be living after a year and a half. I guess the true test of my strength is now, when everything is uncertain. My life can go anywhere I want it to go, the question is- What do I want?
Do I want a life where I work full time? Or do I want to be a stay-at-home Mom? Or would I work part-time? I guess each one has their own benefit. Working gives us independence, financial security, a purpose in life and something to keep you occupied. It also gives you a confidence and self-esteem that nothing else can. But staying at home with my children would be just as amazing, to watch them grow into beautiful young adults. But what happens when they leave for college? I’ll have nothing to do, no one to take care of and overall a pretty pointless life. I’m not looking for answers to these questions. Just looking to unload them. I won’t have to answer these for a while, I’m not married or in a relationship. And with that comes the second buttload of questions!!
I’m 23 years old and I’ve only had one serious boyfriend. Since then there have only been flings. I wonder, will I ever find someone I fall in love with? Or like thousands of other women, find someone stable, nice and responsible and marry him? Will I have love and passion and great sex in my life? Or will my future husband be someone I’m fond of and get along with but don’t have a great love life with? Is there someone out there made for everyone? Or are all the soul mate theories horseshit? Will there ever be someone out there who can see beneath the surface I show the world? Someone I can tell about all my bad decisions, my failures… I know what you’re thinking… Wayyy too many questions…. But like I said… I don’t need the answers now… But I do wish that I had the reassurance that one day I would get them… Goodnight all you lovely people…
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